What I’ve Learned as a Therapist (Part 2): Knowledge Doesn’t Keep You From the Human Experience
Written by Monica DiCristina
“I should’ve known better,” is a phrase I’ve heard many times and said myself. It’s a statement made in frustration and often in pain about how something has impacted us, or a decision we’ve made that we wish could be different. “I can’t believe that impacted me so much, I thought I was past this,” is another kind of refrain I hear often, too—the lament of the growing and healing when we encounter an unexpected (and unwanted) setback or bump in the road. Having spent years studying theories on how to have healthy relationships with oneself and others, I’ve come to a point of embracing that knowledge doesn’t prevent pain.
Growing and healing and personal freedom feel so good that we’re often stunned by the sting of a pain we didn’t expect. Progress sometimes feels as though it should be protected in a little bubble from the annoyances, setbacks, and hurts of everyday life. It would be nice if learning to set boundaries or break out of old patterns came with a guarantee that things will be easier. The more we learn about ourselves, and relationships, the more it feels like life should become less messy.
Through this frustrating lens of the inevitable human experience of continued hurt and setbacks, we begin to develop what I’ve found to be two of the most important tools we can have on this human journey: acceptance and self-compassion.
But the reality is life just often isn’t that way. No knowledge, or even growth, can inoculate us from the human experience. There is no vaccine or preventative care to being vulnerable, tender-hearted, and impacted by what’s happening around you and within you. And the real freedom I’ve found throughout my years of counseling people comes in accepting and embracing this truth.
Through this frustrating lens of the inevitable human experience of continued hurt and setbacks, we begin to develop what I’ve found to be two of the most important tools we can have on this human journey: acceptance and self-compassion. Before you roll your eyes at these commonly-used words, hear me out.
Acceptance is not resignation, and it certainly is not throwing in the towel or giving up. It’s a quiet and mighty breathing through the present. It is noticing and naming what IS happening (the good, the bad, the beautiful, the heart-wrenching) in and around you. Acceptance is really just being present. And the present reality, even in its difficulty, is often where grace shows up. The present is what we have strength for – just this moment – not the narratives of our past or the fear of the future. Acceptance helps us be here in this minute. So, we may have to accept that our boss still hurt our feelings, or we said yes when we meant to say no again, even when we are working on those things – but acceptance is key to feeling okay. Which leads us to our next tool: self-compassion.
Being a soft place for yourself to land is one of the most important things ways we can anchor ourselves. Life is often hard, but we make it harder by how we treat ourselves in those moments and seasons. Self-compassion is not just a fluffy idea, but it’s a foundational building block to weathering the storms of life.
Dr. Kristin Neff writes about self-compassion, and it is one of the most grounding things I believe we can apply to the human experience. She describes self-compassion like this: “Instead of mercilessly judging and criticizing yourself for various inadequacies or shortcomings, self-compassion means you are kind and understanding when confronted with personal failings – after all, whoever said you were supposed to be perfect?”
The three ingredients necessary (according to Neff, summarized by me) for self-compassion are:
- Self-kindness vs. self-judgment: We are warm and understanding to ourselves when we suffer, fail, or feel inadequate, instead of beating ourselves up internally.
- Common humanity vs. isolation: Know you are never the only one struggling! Suffering and personal inadequacy are a part of all our human experiences.
- Mindfulness vs. over-identification: Mindfulness is the balance of naming how you feel with compassion without stuffing it down or being swept away by it.
Accepting what is happening, without blaming ourselves unfairly, and even loving ourselves, is grace embodied. The truth is, no matter how many books we’ve read, or how much healing we’ve experienced, or how much therapy we have gone too, being human is still hard. It really doesn’t get easier – but we really do get stronger. And the strength through all the knowledge we have gained is not a Teflon strength that keeps us from pain – it is a different kind of gentle strength. More like a deeply-rooted reed, that though blown and tossed about, it has the ability to bend and flex with acceptance, self-acceptance, and self-compassion.
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