Finding My People All Over Again: Learning Your Tribe and Reviving Past Friendships
Written by Tre'Shonda Sheffey
Do people still use the term bff? And if so is a person restricted to having only one bff or is it socially acceptable to have more than one? The term bff is commonly used among womxn to describe their best friend. However, I wonder if it’s used outside of female friend groups to describe their deep affection towards another friend.
Then when the question, “Who are your people?” is asked it makes me think of more than one person that has had an influence in my life—the people that I choose to give my time to in different seasons. So for me, I don’t have one singular bff rather I have “my people” who I refer to as my tribe. These are people who I might not speak with everyday, every week, or even every month but when we do get to connect it’s like no time was lost. These also are friendships that have required work on both sides: there is no judgment when the mundane things in life get in the way. There’s appreciation, joy, and grace for the times when you’re able to reconnect for even a quick Facetime call, text exchange, or voice note shared. Lastly, my tribe has my back, they’ll pray for and encourage me no matter how long it’s been since our last correspondence.
Looking through my photo album is something I do on many occasions when I need to laugh or smile and reminisce about an event, or even as a way to introduce others into my world by showing them a glimpse of my life through photo albums. My family, friends, and I are all very intentional about capturing photos of our times together. Recently when I was reviewing my virtual photo albums (btw I do own physical photo albums), I noticed how much had changed in our appearances from physical features, makeup, hair styles, fashion choices, and the quality of the photos. So much has changed—more good than bad.
And I have to admit one of my favorite features made available on social media platforms and smartphones are the “Memories” and “On This Day” pages. It’s a reminder of how much we should enjoy life and how we aren’t supposed to do life alone. From time to time I might repost a photo or video memory that includes some of my friends and/or family, or they’ll text me a screenshot of a memory which leads to a walk down memory lane.
Although there’s a few arguments to be made on how to avoid excessive use of social media, there’s also benefits to using social media, for example the power of making new connections and reviving stale relationships. For full clarity, to have a thriving relationship (platonic or romantic) it takes effort from all parties to check-in at various times, celebrate each other, be present for the ups and downs, and be active outside the confines of a social network.
Since childhood, I’ve always enjoyed bringing people together for a good time. So one thing that’s beneficial to any relationship is knowing who you are and what qualities you bring to the table, which one must use to help the relationship thrive. For example, I’m confident in who I am in any relationship—I am a connector, a planner, and an encourager. Well, I’ve been successful over the years by carrying out some of the following: sleepovers, trips off base to take sticky pictures, participating in a botellón, planning trips, going to karaoke, having TGIT nights, having dinner parties, hosting Bible study groups, etc.
What I’ve learned from elementary school to adulthood (in my 30s) is that my friendships have changed and will continue to change, and I embrace how my tribe has evolved through different life stages. I believe the latter is very important when learning how to find your people or when deciding how to revive relationships with your people again. Here are a few tips on how I’ve been successful in finding and/or rediscovering my people:
Be open to new friendships. (caveat: Be willing to put in the work, too.)
The hardest part for most people after the age of 25 is finding a tribe because people carry over friends from high school and college into adulthood. However, friendships can be formed in the workplace, church groups, community groups, sororities, Junior League, sports teams, etc.
Identify if a relationship was only meant for a season or if this is a friendship where you’d like to invest your time.
Be clear on how you plan to show up for the friendship.
Again if you’re looking for your tribe, aka “your people,” this isn’t meant to be transactional or one-sided. Both parties should have room to breathe, accept each other’s flaws, be celebrated, and have space to vent.
Identify people who love you enough to hold you accountable—they’ll tell you when you’re wrong or redirect you to stay on the right path.
Be intentional.
Accept and embrace the life stage of each person in the relationship.
The dynamics in friendship circles can change when one friend gets married, friends become parents, and then there’s single friends who might or might not desire to share those similar life stages. Whether these are shared experiences or ones that happen at different times, each person should be respected.
Engage with your friends at their level by honoring what works best for them in that current season of their life.
For example, to friends without kids: hang out with your friends who are parents and their kids for a few hours, and/or attend their kids’ basketball game then go out for lunch or dinner. To friends with kids: find a few hours in your schedule to do an activity with your childless friends, and do not pressure them with questions about marriage or when they plan to have children.
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