My Life Isn’t on Hold Because I’m Single
Written by Brianna Brotzman
Picture it: I’m at a gathering of some kind, and I can feel the question coming. Maybe they won’t ask me this time? “Please don’t ask, please don’t ask,” I’m thinking to myself. There’s a brief moment when I think I may just get away and then bam, “Are you dating anyone?”
I’m unwilling to wait on a relationship status change to be a joyful participant in life!
Truthfully, the question in itself is fine, but the reaction to my response is the part I least look forward to. When I answer, “No, I’m not dating anyone,” the look on their face would make you think they just heard some incredibly terrible news! Almost immediately my response is often met with pity, promises, and potential suggestions of suitors— “don’t worry, one day…” and the “ what about this person…” There’s a sense that people feel sorry for me, but I’m not sorry. My life isn’t on hold because I’m single, and each day is another day to live faithfully wherever I’m at.
There are two groups of people who frequently ask me the “dating question.” The first group genuinely cares for me! They typically have experienced happiness with a significant other and hope the same for me. They really do mean well! The second group are just curious or simply don’t know what else to talk about.
To be clear, I’m not against romance! I’ll confess, here and now, that I LOVE the 90’s rom coms. They’re perfectly cheesy and reliable with their soundtracks and endings. While I’m thoroughly obsessed with our rom com sweethearts, I just don’t buy the narrative that says life doesn’t begin until you enter into a romantic relationship!
I’m not against or closed off to meeting an awesome guy and falling in love. I can absolutely see myself getting married and having kids one day! I just believe there are other things in life that are also meaningful.
Every person was made by God with intrinsic value and dignity! My value and dignity aren’t things that can be added to or taken away from, not even by a relationship status. When people talk about my singleness as a negative thing, I’m always so confused! This life is so robust with opportunities and the flexibility to step into whatever comes my way. Why are we in such a rush for the “next” thing when not everyone will experience the same events in life?
We often say “when”…
- When you date “the one”
- When you get engaged
- When you get married
- When you have kids
All of these moments and life stages can be incredible gifts, but we speak to people in “when” so much that we run the risk of bypassing the fullness of “now!” There are incredible victories and moments to celebrate that have nothing to do with our relationship status. Find yourself some friends who CELEBRATE with you! Celebrate the moments in life that are meaningful to you and allow your community to be a part of that.
I’m unwilling to wait on a relationship status change to be a joyful participant in life! There are people to love, friendships to foster, dreams to steward, lessons to learn, and much more! I’m growing, failing, getting up, and trying again! I refuse to believe that there’s any less value to what the Lord is doing in me and through me just because I happen to be single.
There’s liberation in knowing that value and dignity aren’t something achievable or attainable. I often remember these words, “The Lord is my Shepherd, in him I lack nothing” (Psalm 23:1). Single or married, in Jesus we lack absolutely nothing and that’s good news!
Being currently single, I want so badly for people to know the richness of this life! It just turns out, that no matter if you’re single or married, neither are a mark of life being lived, but rather it’s the love in which we choose to participate in.
One of my all time favorite authors and heroes wrote this…
“Did I offer peace today? Did I bring a smile to someone’s face? Did I say words of healing? Did I let go of my anger and resentment? Did I forgive? Did I love? These are the real questions. I must trust that the little bit of love that I sow now will bear many fruits, here in this world and the life to come.” – Henri Nouwen
This author was single his whole life. A life where you happen to be single is not a life void of deep love and intimacy. The ultimate example of full life as a single person is Jesus himself! Jesus didn’t just understand love, friendship, intimacy, sacrifice, and joy—He is the fullness of them. So when I remember that “in Him I lack nothing,” it’s because He has given Himself to us!
I’ve experienced the joys of being a friend, a godmother, and an unofficial aunt to my friend’s babies. I have learned to dream and receive healing in things I never dreamt of. I’ve learned the sacredness of the quiet spaces. Are there days that can be difficult? Sure! But I’m so grateful for the “now,” and I don’t feel like I’m waiting on anything or anyone to experience what the Lord has for me.
Singleness is not the waiting room of life. I don’t want to miss out on the work God is doing and on who He is shaping me to be! This is the inner work. When we seek to heal, grow, learn, and dream, it’s not in preparation to be with someone else—though that will benefit any future relationship—but it’s because we want to step further into the calling God has put on our life.
So when the infamous question comes, I can say with confidence that the here and now is good! There may always be people who find me lacking without a ring on my finger. In full transparency, I’ve wrestled with that and have asked myself why? Why do they see me as less whole? But that just doesn’t get to matter anymore. “The Lord is my Shepherd, and in Him I lack nothing” and because of this I am certain: that even if single is my status for the rest of my life, it will be marked, not by scarcity of love, intimacy, and joy, but by the abundance of them.
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