Qualities to Expect in Your Friendship Circle
Written by Jamie Lamson
I wonder if you are like me in that new relationships trigger a sort of inner emotional response straight to your gut. That the thought of spending time with someone new causes your heart to beat rapidly and your hands to become damp with anxiousness. (Any introverted introverts in the house?)
Since I was a little girl, I have always had a deep, inner knowing that relationships didn’t come easy for me. I was conflicted between wanting to attend youth group, dance class, and girl scout meetings and following through.
At the start of my sophomore year of high school, the anxiousness seemed to subside a bit, but then again, I had found a comfortable stride with my people. I didn’t really notice a regression until I reached my mid-30s.
Thoughts of “Why is this happening again?” and “I am a married adult with five kids!” began to flood my mind and spirit. What was wrong with me?
And then, the Holy Spirit very gently met me one morning in one of my quiet moments.
You see, it wasn’t that I was broken or that I was a person that was so socially awkward that I had no hope of ever creating and maintaining friendships. It was the very opposite.
Friendships, to me, are more than just a friend or follower count on social media. It is more than the opportunity for a networking name drop in a crowded room.
I find that my heart opens up more freely where a deep, meaningful connection is present. And while this may require more emotional energy, trust, and intentionality, this is where my whole self feels most connected, honest, and safe.
When I think of my own safe friendship circles, here are five qualities that come to mind:
Honesty
The number one quality that I look for when investing in a relationship is honesty. Because I am committing to being transparent in and with my thoughts and emotions, I anticipate the same from the other person. To be in a safe relationship requires a level of permitting the other person to speak truth into my own life choices and circumstances. If someone cannot be honest about the small, minor things, then chances are they won’t be honest about the more significant things.
Compassion
Life is full of good things and hard things. An empathetic friend who is understanding is a must. Someone that fights for social injustices shows me that they are striving to be a world changer. Someone who defends the orphan, the widow, and the oppressed reveals that they are committed to a cause that is larger than themselves. A friend who sees me where I am at and can sit with me in my pain, in my celebrations, in my brokenness shows me that they are with me for the long haul.
Loyalty
For me to arrive at a place of openness with someone requires a bit of loyalty. Are they present? Do they verbalize things about other people that could be considered gossip? A loyal friend is someone who is honoring others. While I understand that there are certain times and places for healthy processing, I believe that when shared in an intimate setting, such as a safe friendship, there should be a filter of honor. When there is integrity within your circle, most likely, goodness will follow suit outside of your circle.
Intentionality
Safe, deep relationships are reciprocal. Not only do I check in on my close friends, but they check on me. Because sometimes life throws you curveballs, and the only way you know how to survive is just to…survive. Safe friends know my triggers. They know that when I am quiet, I am probably in need of a little extra support. To have a friend go out of their way to text me, stop by my apartment, or even ask me out for a coffee is one of the safest qualities to behold. This tells me that I am important to them, I matter, and that I am loved. And vice versa.
Listener
Have you ever been mid-conversation with someone, and they were looking past you, checking their phone, or interrupting your thought? Me too. It is hard to open up to someone who just doesn’t seem to be there with you. A safe person is someone who listens with their ears, their minds, and their hearts. Someone who is safe gives space to process and shares in dreams, frustrations, and ramblings. A safe-haven of a friend asks if I need advice before actually handing it out.
Sister, I understand that finding your safe circle is a process. I know that you may be dealing with the heartache of a friend leaving you out of the blue. I also understand that there may be current emotional trauma keeping you from trusting and engaging with other women. My feet are standing with you on the same shore.
But if I could encourage you in just one way, it would be this: stay the course.
Take one step at a time towards the safe relationship you hope for. Be intentional with your heart and your desire to find a safe friendship circle. Not only will it benefit, heal, and grow you, but your friends will be grateful you are there.
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