I Used to Body Shame Myself: A Story of Healing & Empowerment

As women of all ages, we have to unlearn the narrow beauty ideals and release the distorted body images most of us still have.

Based on the conversations and interactions I’ve had with female friends, family, and associates, I realized how many women still dealt with shame and insecurity as it relates to their body image. Much of this shame stems from intricate trauma and abuse, sexual exploitation from men, being degraded by other women, exposure to negative media and pop culture, and the list goes on.

The fact is women have difficulty, even in adulthood, owning and celebrating their bodies. Why?

Because our bodies have been taken away from us by external factors, and at a certain point we allow this process of dehumanization to become the norm. When we see a woman of a certain size whether big or skinny we automatically criticize her, as a society and as women.

My story began with a dress. When I was young, I remember my dad took me to Target to get a few things since I didn’t see him often enough. Children are very intelligent and perceptive, although not always given credit. I knew that he wanted me to feel that he actually cared. I was so happy to try on this dress, and when I showed him all he had to do was look at me to know that I loved it.

When he dropped me off at my grandma’s house, where all my aunts and cousins were, I was so excited to show them. I thought, “Now I’m really gonna feel pretty.” So, I went in the bathroom to try on the dress, came out, and waited for their responses. First, silence, then awkward facial expressions, then negative commentary. I almost wasn’t surprised, since I wasn’t the smallest size in the group and had a little belly, which I wasn’t too conscious of until that moment.

Defeated, embarrassed, and sad, I went to take the dress off. Later that day my mom returned the dress in exchange for laundry detergent.

That moment, among many others like it, taught me to hide my rolls, curves, and stretch marks.

Through the rest of my childhood, teen-hood, and well into early adulthood, my body didn’t belong to me. Even today, I’m still slightly anxious when I go into a dressing room to try something on. I’m afraid that it won’t fit or will be unflattering. The worst feeling is when I try something on knowing it’s my size, but feeling the tug and strain of trying to force it closed. That’s when I get frustrated and upset with myself and fall into a downward spiral of negative thoughts about my body. Overtime I’ve built up resilience in these situations with defiant optimism that something will fit ME and help me feel and look great!

It took years, and I’m still rebuilding my self-love mindset, but I learned to heal through acknowledgement, self-care, and the awareness that words are power. I spoke love, confidence, and beauty over myself. My medium of healing and empowerment became the stage where I performed spoken word.

Up there I was terrified to speak, but the fear of keeping my thoughts inside overwhelmed the thought of being judged by everyone else in the room. And so I wrote, and I spoke my truth—feelings of depression and the victory I had over every negative thought about my body that I had I experienced.

As women of all ages, we have to unlearn the narrow beauty ideals and release the distorted body images most of us still have.

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