Determining Deal Breakers in Your Relationship

The central factor in determining deal breakers and a good starting point to begin thinking about them is to ask yourself “what kind of life do I want?” In essence, all of the qualities and beliefs potential partners could have will ultimately shape your lifestyle and life overall. So what do you want your life to look like? 

Some major contributors to lifestyle overall can include religion, politics, money and values. Not aligning on any of these key areas can, depending on the person, be deal breakers. 

Let’s start off with potentially polarizing topics such as religion and politics. Having different views certainly doesn’t have to be a deal breaker and can even make the relationship more fulfilling by allowing each person to learn from each other and gain a deeper level of mutual understanding. The point where disagreements on religion or politics can become an issue is if one or both parties aren’t open to having calm conversations and listening to the other’s perspective. Another factor that could cause long-term problems is the amount of time they dedicate to their religion or politics. If religion or politics are a huge part of your partner’s life, taking up their time on a daily basis, and you’re not interested in participating, it could be a deal breaker. 

Another element to consider that can often be overlooked in relationships in your 20s and early 30s is money and how you want to use it. What do you like to spend your money on and how much do you need to save to feel comfortable? Everyone has learned perceptions about money from childhood and family experiences that can really shape people’s life view. At the end of the day, it’s less about how much either person makes and more about how they want to manage and spend it. 

When determining deal breakers, thinking of the big picture can also be helpful. For many people, that means kids. Do both parties want kids or at least see them in their future? With more and more women and folks in general deciding that they don’t ever want children, this is something extremely important to take into consideration. Having a family is a lifelong commitment and if one person wants them and the other doesn’t, it can certainly be a deal breaker. If you feel strongly one way or the other, it’s important to vocalize that up front to avoid a more painful conversation later on. 

Wholistically, a key deal breaker is someone’s lifestyle and values. This is all encompassing, including the factors mentioned above as well as the simple question—how do they spend their time? Do they prefer to spend holidays at home or on vacation? Do they like to dine in or eat at home? Would they rather spend time with friends or prefer to be at home the majority of the time? Are they involved with their family or detached? Do they value an expensive car or are they happy with a 2000s Honda Accord? 

While these things when combined may seem petty, they build a life. You need to first envision the life you want for yourself and seek out someone who accentuates that. While some differences make life more exciting and can expose you to new things, if too many of these factors don’t match up, you may wind up years later with a person you truly care about and admire but whose life view leaves you feeling unfulfilled and misunderstood. 

To put this all in a more positive light, visualize your most meaningful and joyful life and find someone who delights in the same things and finds value in what lights you up. Rather than compiling a list of “noes,” put together a list of “yeses” and follow those. Bring people along who share the same “yeses” from the start and you’ll be less likely to find yourself in those deal breaker situations. 

*These deal breakers are all based on personal preference. If someone is abusive in any way or jeopardizes your health and safety, these are automatic deal breakers and you should seek support. 

If you or someone you know is in danger or in an abusive relationship please visit the National Domestic Violence Hotline.