Dealing with Trauma from Sexual Assault

I will never minimize the fear, self-doubt, and episodes of isolation I felt after I was assaulted, or the time spent grieving and dealing with the compounding trauma.

Dear Trauma, 

You have no place here, but I notice you show up like a crashing wave, disrupting everything. So, it is important that you are addressed and that we not try to outrun you. 

With grace and love: I know we will not be defined by our trauma. 

X

Most recently the show I May Destroy You received four Primetime Emmy Award nominations. This was a big deal to me and others for a number of reasons, as the story highlights consent in its many forms through the lens of a Black woman. Traditionally, Black women are often overlooked when they report sexual assault and harassment. And, the media continues to oversexualize Black girls and Black women, which is a greater frustration for when Black girls and women choose to come forward to report sexual harassment and assault in their personal or professional life. 

I May Destroy You is a rarity because it chooses to highlight sexual violence and abuse from a group of imperfect Black people who are hetero as well as LGBTQ friends who can describe their experiences on-screen, as opposed to watching another film or TV show that centers sexual assault around a white woman who seeks justice against her assailant. What this series does well is show the intersection of racism, the patriarchy, feminism, and sexism from the perspective of a Black survivor. 

The timing of the show’s arrival was pivotal as there’s been a greater discussion about accountability, exploitation, racism, and sexual violence in the last few years. The creator and writer of I May Destroy You, Michaela Coel, provided a raw depth, authentic, honest, and a multi-layered observation around the discussion of consent and sexual assault. Coel plays a Black female protagonist, Arabella, an up-and-coming writer in her mid-20s who goes out one night with her friends and is raped. Arabella spends the series piecing together what took place the night of the rape, while balancing her career and exploring different methods to protect her mental and physical health with the support of friends. 

The series led me to observe the parallels of how Arabella and myself dealt with the trauma from our rapes. Being sexually assaulted is one of the most extreme violations that can happen to a person. It has the ability to emotionally and mentally paralyze a person in ways that are indescribable and incomprehensible. As I watched the series, I battled so many emotions as I processed what was happening to the characters as they processed harm brought upon them or the effects it had on someone they cared about.  

I will never minimize the fear, self-doubt, and episodes of isolation I felt after I was assaulted, or the time spent grieving and dealing with the compounding trauma. Although it has been years since my rape, it is something that remains a part of you and impacts your decisions whether you’re conscious of it or not. A few ways that I have dealt with the trauma of my sexual assault: 

Acknowledgement: Call things what they are

I acknowledge that something harmful happened to me. I do not have trouble using the word “rape” nor do I have a problem with being clear about what happened to me. I aIso believe we have to call folx out when they say or do something harmful that encourages toxic behavior. It is clear that many people do not understand consent, so we need to continue having conversations about it within our circles of friends and family, in storytelling, and the media.

Protecting my peace and being mindful of triggers 

Initially when I was dealing with the effects of the sexual assault, I was in a different place mentally and emotionally. I found that everyone finds different outlets to deal with their feelings, and how important it is that we find healthy ones. To keep my peace and stay grounded, what I found helpful is: strengthening my relationship with God and staying in prayer, having a licensed professional (i.e. therapist) to talk to, and journaling.

I also make note of what can trigger my anxiety and bring up memories from my own experience, such as choosing not to be on social media when high-profile cases like Bill Cosby or Harvey Weinstein are discussed because of the number of opinions and assumptions being made about the survivors who chose to come forward and report them. Additionally, in complete transparency, I could not binge-watch this show or follow along weekly because it’s a bit heavy and triggered some stuff for me.

Being honest about how I feel and stating what I need 

There will be moments when you might not feel your best and you want to blame yourself. 

Receiving support from friends and family is great, but may not be enough. There is power in healing, and in order to reclaim your power, it is helpful to speak with a therapist who specializes in the area of sexual abuse and trauma. I went through therapy the first year after my sexual assault and gained many resources to help me combat some of the negative feelings, learned how to trust myself and my instincts, and how to be comfortable in different environments again. 

Finding my voice and confidence

Say out loud: I am worthy. I am loved. I am not to blame nor should I feel ashamed. There will be moments when you need to reaffirm yourself because it’s easy to have self-doubt or place self-blame when you’re trying to move past a tragic event. However, this is why I find it important to receive help from a therapist and/or support group, so that you are not alone in the processing and healing. 

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