Healing from Church Hurt
Written by Amanda Sawyer
I am from the South, born and raised in Tennessee. Growing up in the South means that you attend church every Sunday and Wednesday. This became such a habit that I stayed in the church I had grown up in. Most of my friends stayed at the same church too, and this is because church and religion are an important part of most people’s lives. No matter where they grew up everyone has a unique way of worship that brings them closer to God. Unfortunately, this place that was once a special retreat can turn into a battleground of emotions when the church hurts its members.
My home church was a huge part of my life. I had mentors and friends there. I had a group of people whom I could rely on like second parents. My church was a very special place where I knew I would always be accepted – until I wasn’t. While serving as the youth leader, several church officials got into arguments about directing the youth program. I was pushed aside and not allowed to help with this even though I held a leadership position and could attest to what works best within the program.
Accepting that your hurt is real is the key to begin healing. When we keep hurt bottled up, it only makes matters worse.
As months passed, tensions rose within the church because the youth group hadn’t been reshaped as intended. The new changes that the officials thought would work well actually made youth members feel isolated from the rest of the church, so most kids stopped attending. I was left with few members in the youth program and felt hurt that my opinion wasn’t respected. It has taken me a long time to heal from this hurt and to regain the truth that every church member holds value. If you’re someone who has experienced – or is experiencing – this same type of hurt from the church, you should know that there is healing.
The first step in healing comes from accepting that you were hurt and knowing that it’s okay to feel hurt. Sometimes, we can feel guilty about experiencing pain in a church setting. It can be hard to wrap your head around the fact that this safe spot, which has been created to worship God, can carry so much heartache. Hurt is common in churches because we are all fallible people, and no one is perfect. Accepting that your hurt is real is the key to begin healing. When we keep hurt bottled up, it only makes matters worse.
After acknowledging your hurt, find another space where you feel loved and connected to God. For my husband it’s hiking; he spends hours walking in the woods while reflecting on God’s love that’s all around us. I enjoy biking or reading in a quiet coffee shop. These areas of love and safety don’t necessarily have to be a new church; it can just be somewhere you feel close to God. Once you find a safe place, spend as much time there as you need. This stage of healing is crucial because it gives you time to reflect and build trust with God. If you don’t take time to talk to God and appreciate Him, you can grow bitter, and this hurt will rob you of God’s peace and joy.
The final step in healing from the church is accepting that your hurt needs to be addressed, forgiven, and forgotten. For some, this means addressing a church member who hurt you. Sometimes this may appear in the form of silently forgiving them and choosing to move forward. No matter which way you decide to forgive and forget, it’s important to realize that the hurt you’ve felt is real. When you’re ready to face church members who’ve hurt you, it’s vital to trust God to protect your heart. Sometimes healing from the church means you ask God to lead you to a new place of worship that’s right for you. You don’t necessarily have to go back to the place where you were hurt, but in order to move forward you need to forgive those who hurt you.
Healing hurt from the church is hard and moves at a different place for everyone. Often others don’t realize you’re hurting, and sadly sometimes people don’t care. Each hurtful experience is unique and changes us in different ways. Knowing when to move on to the next step of healing is up to you. You’ll know when you start to feel peace. Keep praying through your season of hurt, and listen to God as He guides you through the healing process.
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