Signs of a Toxic Friendship
Written by Amanda Sawyer
From a young age, we’re taught that having a close friend by our side is invaluable. Many women can tell you stories of mischief that their 3rd grade bestie got them into. I remember my 3rd grade best friend convinced me to steal all of the classroom good behavior stickers so we could decorate our matching notebooks. She distracted the teacher with a detailed story of her dog while I grabbed the goods and bolted. We all have examples of “ride or die” friendships; however, I’m sure we all also have memories of toxic friendships. The hardest part of looking back on those bad friendships is realizing that the signs of a toxic friendship were there from the start. In the moment it’s hard to see that you’re in a toxic relationship. This is why knowing the signs is important.
Your friend always gets to pick.
We’ve all had a friend who’s just too picky. I’m talking about the kind of pickiness that means they always make the plans, pick the restaurant, and decide who’s invited. This type of friend is a step above “a natural leader” and is simply someone who has to have their way because it’s what they want. This type of friend will always have an issue with anything you suggest and will suddenly ditch the plans when they aren’t getting their way. A friend who exhibits this behavior is toxic because they think that their likes and preferences matter more than yours or anyone else’s.
Your friend complains about everything.
Positivity isn’t everyone’s mindset. For example, when making big decisions my husband can tell me ten things that will go wrong before he can think of one positive possibility. However, someone who complains about every single thing is emotionally draining. This negativity can be exhausting especially if you aren’t an extremely positive person to begin with. This type of friend will have an issue with something in every conversation. When sharing good news you’re interrupted by her complaining that nothing good ever happens to her. She expects you to stop what you’re saying to nurture her feelings. A friend like this is toxic because she always complains in an effort to be pitied. She will have a hard time rejoicing with you because she’s focused on herself.
Your friend doesn’t keep a secret long.
As a tea enthusiast, I must say I get overly excited when I hear someone spill it. However, they know if asked not to share it then it won’t leave my mouth (or my husband’s mouth). In all seriousness, I have had friends who wanted me to share my big news or personal issues with them just so they could have an anecdote when around other people. This is a major sign of a toxic friendship. A friend who can’t keep a secret is someone who wants to seem valuable to others because they’re always in the know. This type of friend is concerned about their image and not actually worried about the trials in your life.
Your friend puts you down.
Many of us know that nauseating feeling of being talked down to by someone we love and trust. Realizing that person you care about doesn’t have the same level of respect for you is heartbreaking. That’s why this is a very important sign of a toxic friendship. This type of friend is someone who will make fun of your insecurities to get a laugh. This type of friend constantly makes you feel incapable or even as if you can’t survive without them. They make you believe that without them there’s no chance you can have an enjoyable life. However, the longer you stay friends with them the worst you feel about yourself. This is why a degrading friend is an extremely important sign to watch out for.
In 11th grade, I had a friend who I had been close to throughout all of high school. We went to the gym after school, signed up for every class project together, and made frequent coffee runs. I thought I could trust her with anything, but it wasn’t until after our friendship ended that I truly understood why that was wrong. Looking back today I see that all the signs of a toxic friendship were there. When looking at a friendship there will always be a reason to stay and ignore the signs. Strength comes from realizing that you don’t have to stay. You deserve a friend who has your back. You don’t have to keep hanging on to a friend that exhibits these warning signs.
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