Better Together: The Benefits of Marital Counseling

While therapy and my relationship with God may complement one another, they aren’t interchangeable and we need both.

As mental health awareness increases, the social stigma around therapy is on the steady decline. Yet in 2021, a shocking 50% of marriages still end in divorce. Seeking the guidance of a trustworthy counselor is one of the most powerful ways to strengthen and grow any relationship, especially marriage. As a lifelong proponent of therapy, I’m here to share my experience and the benefits we’ve received in seeing a LMFT (licensed marriage family therapist). If you’re in a relationship or considering marital counseling, I hope these questions and practical pointers serve as a guide for you.

What kind of marriages need counseling?

Personally, I think all marriages can benefit from counseling as all marriages are comprised of two imperfect people. The notion that a couple must be near a “breaking point” to see a therapist is outdated. We went to pre-marital counseling, and it didn’t take very long for us to realize that we needed it in marriage. too. 

Imagine buying a *brand new car* and waiting an entire year to get an oil change. Forgoing this simple maintenance could potentially blow the engine, rendering your car useless. So it is with marriages over time, when issues go unchecked they eventually lead to total shut down by one or both partners. This is why building healthy habits like seeing a therapist early on in marriage is essential: it’s maintenance.

How is a LMFT different from a life coach?

In the U.S. a LMFT must obtain a master’s degree, complete two years post-degree work in their field, and pass their state law and ethics exam, in addition to other state requirements. While both LMFTs and life coaches can provide similar services for a fee, a life coach requires no legal certification. I highly suggest asking trusted friends for referrals and visiting a counselor’s website for more information.

What should we expect in counseling?

• A safe environment with an encouraging, professional counselor.
• Direct, impartial feedback from your counselor.
• Transparency about cost, expectations, and potential homework outside of sessions (reading, relational exercises, utilizing tools).
• Your commitment to growth and willingness to remain personally accountable for actions and behaviors.

How does counseling affect your spiritual life?

I’ve found that because we intentionally chose a counselor who shares our spiritual beliefs, our sessions and what we learn there supplement our faith. While therapy and my relationship with God may complement one another, they aren’t interchangeable and we need both.

How to Prepare: Before Counseling

Finding a meeting time when you and your significant other are both available, allotting for unhurried travel and connection time afterward is ideal. Consider journaling thoughts and feelings leading up to the session. The practice of putting words to your experiences will help emotional articulation while in session. Bringing my journal to therapy is also helpful for notes I might forget later. Dress comfortably, come with an open mind, and most importantly, do your best to lay expectations aside and trust the process. 

How to Prepare: During Counseling

The first few counseling sessions are a trial period, seeing if they’re a good fit for you, vice-versa. Moving forward, the best gifts you can give yourself and others in therapy are transparency and staying present. Therapy isn’t challenging because it’s intellectually hard, but because it’s vulnerable and we go to great lengths to protect those vulnerable places. We can only heal that which we allow to be treated.

Personally, I’m learning when I want to interrupt or defend myself in therapy, it’s a signal I’m not present. Even if I want to leave the room, I fight to take a breath, reconnect, and share honestly if asked. I’m learning that therapy isn’t about fixing; it’s about progress. I refuse to leave disappointed every time we didn’t “solve” an issue, so I focus on celebrating little wins like making it through the session, staying present when I wanted to check out, or forgiving when it was hard. 

How To Prepare: After Counseling

Set aside time afterwards to connect by taking a walk or sharing a meal together. We’ve made a habit of visiting a favorite cafe after therapy. First, because it’s a reward we look forward to, and second, it provides an opportunity to reconnect. Also, a great therapy session can have a lingering effect that’s similar to body aches the day after a really great massage. Intentional self-care after therapy is a great way to practice being gentle with yourself and allotting extra time to process what may have come up in session. Last but not least, do the homework and incorporate the tools. Even if you do it alone or feel like you’re doing it alone, commit to the work and trust the process.

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