The Problem of Idolizing Marriage in American Evangelical Christianity

Whether you’re married, single or unsure what the future will hold, we all suffer if we believe the shallow untruth that sex and marriage can make or break your identity, purpose or success .

America’s Historical Influence on Idolizing Marriage

There are many factors that affect how certain people view marriage. The US has a complicated history with women and marriage. Historically, women were not treated as equal citizens in the US from a legal standpoint for almost two centuries after the American colonies became independent from the governance of England. For a majority of American history, women needed permission from their husbands to engage in basic civil rights. Fortunately, this isn’t a factor today, for most American subcultures, nor has financial opportunity been the primary reason for marriage since the Victorian era in the US. There are many other perspectives, lived experiences, cultures and laws that give billions of people around the world different viewpoints and beliefs. This, however, illustrates how various cultures, traditions and history have influenced the American evangelical understanding of marriage.

During the eighteenth and nineteenth centuries, there were not many legitimate ways for women to have financial stability without entering into marriage. In colonial America, a woman’s work was largely viewed by society as being in or around the home: bearing children, making clothing, doing housework, acting as a midwife, etc. while men worked outside of the home or engaged in physical labor. Gender roles in the workplace became more defined as men started earning wages for their work outside of the home on a more regular basis. It’s also important to acknowledge that the option to choose to be married or pursue a vocation was available almost exclusively to white women at this time due to slavery, legal discrimination and segregation. Enslaved women in particular were treated as property of white slave owners, were subject to trafficking and could be denied the right to enter into a relationship, marry, choose their spouse or even to consent to sexual intercourse. 

In a timeline called “Stepping Through History,” author Susan Milligan details some of the most important rights women fought for and gained. Milligan details that a law was adopted by the American colonies in 1769 that women could not own property in their own names or keep their earnings; the laws to overturn this were not adopted by all states (however, 45 at the time) until 1900. Women’s right to vote was legally barred in 1777, and the 19th amendment in the Constitution wasn’t ratified until 1920, which only ensured some women’s right to vote (Olivia B. Waxman notes in “Myths about the 19th Amendment Debunked” that the 19th amendment applied primarily to white women whereas Native and Indigenous women, Asian women, and Black women, and other groups of people’s access to voting was hindered due to racial discrimination and laws like the Chinese Exclusion Act and Geary Act. Katie McLaughlin documents in “5 Things Women Couldn’t Do in the 1960s” that it wasn’t until 1974 that it finally became illegal to deny a woman a credit card because she lacked her husband’s written permission. This is an extremely small piece of a long, large history of women’s rights that spans over centuries and how it affected single and married women. This snapshot gives us a tiny glimpse of the socio economic significance that impacted how people viewed women, men and marriage over the last several hundred years. 

Over time, from the founding of America up to the mid twentieth century, religious and cultural influences encouraged women to marry, reproduce and reside in the domestic sphere and restricted married women from having certain rights and access to jobs. In the 1930s, many laws and policies were enforced that made it extremely difficult, if not impossible, for married women to work. Also, during this time, it was completely legal to pay women less than men and discriminate in the workplace until laws like the Equal Pay Act of 1963 and Title VII of the Civil Rights Act in 1964 were passed. Prior to the ratification of these laws, it was difficult for single women to earn a living wage and do other tasks without a spouse’s financial support. While all of this was primarily affecting white, wealthy women, instances of racial discrimination toward women of color in particular made it extremely difficult for them not to work. Gay marriage, which has not been widely or culturally accepted for the majority of US history, wasn’t legalized in all 50 states until 2015. Because of this, gay marriage didn’t have a popular cultural impact in the way people perceived marital roles and generally understood marriage. 

In many cultures around the world, marriage has been viewed as a contract involving childbearing, collective finances and social status. In the US, marriage increasingly became more about love and romantic interest during the Victorian era. There is little evidence showing that women in mid-twentieth century America married primarily for economic reasons or for assistance in accessing certain rights. While people weren’t marrying just so they could influence someone’s presidential vote or to obtain money, marriage was still an extremely important part of social status in American culture.

During WWII, Western cultural norms shifted when the majority of unemployed American women were forced to join the workforce as a large percentage of American men fought in the war. Again, this influenced a very specific group of Americans; while women who had been working in the home now looked for jobs in a war-related industry, Japanese citizens were incarcerated in internment camps between 1942 and 1945 under Franklin D. Roosevelt’s executive order. Dr. Maureen Honey explains in her book, Bitter Fruit: African American Women in World War II, that Black women had a very difficult time finding jobs during WWII and were often refused work due to racism and discrimination. When the war was over and many men returned home and to their families, women were expected to once again fulfill the role of homemaker so men could resume their previous place in the workforce. Soon many women became housewives and stay-at-home mothers. Marriage, as well as being a stay-at-home wife and mother, increasingly became a sign of financial and social success. 

The influence of the Cold War (and largely Billy Graham) created a unity between the US military and evangelical Christian beliefs that didn’t previously exist. The war presented a common enemy for many Americans to unite against, along with a common sentiment to maintain traditional American, Christian values. Kristen Dumez, author of Jesus and John Wayne, writes in the article “Sex, Outrage, and American Religion: Miss America’s God” about how the rise of feminism caused conservative Christians to double down on their ideas of “traditional” beauty, femininity and extremely defined gender roles during the Cold War. This began a new era of Christian nationalism where marital status, appearance, political views and military support often defined whether someone was considered “Christian” rather than how much they acted like Jesus, loved others, or had Biblical values. Many of these unbiblical, Christian nationalist values put unnecessary, unbiblical pressure on women to be perfect and beautiful, to bear children, to embody American morals, cook, clean, budget finances, raise children, entertain, always look presentable, and always complied with their husband’s sexual desires. Doing all of this somehow helped a woman embody “biblical womanhood.”

We can also see this effect on men. As the Cold War continued and American ideals became increasingly equated with Christian ethics, men’s roles were redefined as well. Men were encouraged to be physical fighters, protective defenders, sole financial providers and tough husbands and fathers for their families. Acting like a “Christian husband” was about modeling an ideal American citizen rather than focusing on  imitating Jesus and the Bible’s guide for marriage. The unbiblical inequality between partners and unnecessary pressure on marital roles continued to shape America’s views on marriage greatly.

In her article Kriste Dumez documents how the decrease in labor unions, changes in economy and globalization have continued to affect women’s ability to remain in the home as stay-at-home mothers and wives. In many modern, two-parent homes, both parents need to work to make ends meet. As the economy and workforce change, many Christian ideals regarding marriage have not. 

Media’s Influence 

As the world adapted and the perception of gender roles changed, children’s entertainment and Hollywood reinforced many ideas of idolizing marriage constantly in books, television and film. Princess movies thrive on depicting how flawless-looking young people are made complete, fulfilled and happy only when they find their romantic interest. In a recent interview with Preston Sprinkle on his podcast Theology in the Raw, Dr. Kutter Callaway discussed his book, “Breaking the Marriage Idol,” and shared his thoughts on the influence of these ideas in the media. 

In Disney’s The Little Mermaid, Ariel, a mermaid princess, is no longer satisfied with her life after she falls in love with a man she met only once while he was unconscious and she saved him from drowning. She desires to turn human and won’t be able to be fully made into one unless she kisses him. Her plan fails, but her father turns her into a human so she can live a happy, fulfilled life with her prince. The beast from Disney’s Beauty and the Beast is a man who is turned into a monster because of his selfishness and vanity. He can’t be transformed back into a human being again until he finds his true love. He eventually transforms back after he kidnaps and wins over a young lady named Belle. In Disney’s Snow White and the Seven Dwarves, Snow White is a young lady who is rendered unconscious by a spell of “sleeping death” by a witch. She spends a year in a glass coffin until a stranger, who happens to be a prince, kisses her (while unconscious) and breaks the spell, which brings her back to life. 

Many Americans grew up watching Disney. Disney movies, theme parks, rides and shows hold much nostalgia and are mostly a positive memory from many people’s childhoods. Many modern Americans and Christians see an issue with the message of these films, whereas others choose to enjoy them and don’t see an issue. Whatever your opinion is,, it’s important to recognize that there are concerning messages that are subconsciously being fed to children through these forms of entertainment: You can only be happy, satisfied with your life, made whole and be even considered a “real” person if you find love. If you don’t, you’ll be miserable, lonely, unfulfilled, sad, bored and unloved. 

Romantic comedies, sitcoms, novels and popular dramas enforce these ideas as well long after childhood. Successful characters with fame and fortune are rarely single. Media isn’t the primary influence on most people’s lives regarding their views on marriage, but it would be silly for us to believe that the things we consume on a regular basis don’t impact our views at all. If these beliefs go unaddressed and uncorrected by the truth, we absorb them into our understandings of love and relationships – and even how we view God.

Along with purity culture, the secular misinterpretation of sex and the Christian misinterpretation of marriage, sex has become its own idol. Along with many other lies and manipulations of biblical scripture, one popular message of purity culture is that your virginity, prior to marriage, gave you value. Another myth is that sex in marriage would be wildly incredible and amazing if you waited for it. What’s also ironic, in light of that teaching, is that another popular undertone was the focus on men being the primary sexual “users” while women were portrayed often as sexual objects (in other words, not portraying a mutually satisfying experience for both partners). None of those ideas are biblical or remotely true, but they, among many ideas of the evangelical, nationalist movement in the US, also contributed to popular Christian understandings of sex and marriage. 

Purity culture emphasizes the idea of waiting for your prince or princess and that doing so would bring your life fulfillment and satisfaction. For many Americans, this goes beyond the understanding that marriage is joyful, loving and beautiful; obtaining a husband or wife became the end-all-be- all. Marriage is most often frequently seen as being a “holier, more Christian” way of life, while singleness is usually presented as a way to live until you get married and all of your dreams come true. Sex became seen as the highest form of satisfaction and intimacy, and, without it, how could you truly be happy, satisfied or experience life to the fullest?

Spiritual Influences

Most Cold War-era ideas that shaped many modern, American views of marriage don’t have actual biblical influence but rather cultural influence. Ironically, aside from the practice of abstinence, many purity culture ideas about sex and romance parallel secular understandings far more than biblical principles. For example, during the 1950s and 1960s, beauty pageants were on the rise and “traditional American beauty” was extremely important on a social level for women, especially Christian women who felt the need to display their stance against feminism. Working outside of the home could also be seen as a way of jumping on the feminist bandwagon and could be construed as incompatible with “Christian values.” What’s interesting is that vanity and obsessing over physical appearance is directly addressed by Paul in 1 Timothy 2:8-10. What’s also interesting is that Jesus had female disciples (Mark 15:41; Luke 24:22). Many women who supported Jesus and the apostles did so financially, through their own financial resources (Luke 8:1-3). Women also participated in ministry and were not seen as less significant, less useful or less necessary (Romans 16:1-16; Galatians 3:28). The fact that purity culture reduces a person’s entire identity to sex, marriage and relationship status actually complies to the world’s shallow and counterfeit ideology. 

Some evangelical, nationalist Americans were focused on the outside: They painted a tomb while the inside of their hearts were full of sin, wandering toward fleshly goals, away from God, while claiming they were his representatives. It’s easy for us to look back and see how this happened in America. Americans rallied around a set of values and sought to look like a “Christian” instead of seeking to look like the holy Jesus of the Bible: a single man who was fully devoted to God, driven by compassion and truth, and sought His Father’s will above all else and served others humbly in love. 

The Role of Sex and Marriage in Biblical Relationships

A key element of marriage is sex, especially for Christians who believe the Bible literally in context and apply it to their lives that way. Marriage is not just a physical act but a meaningful spiritual act, specifically within the context of marriage. Because of the way some Christians view and esteem sex, we sometimes idolize sex itself. 

Throughout the Bible, scripture explains that God purposefully created and designed sex to unify two people together in marriage physically, mentally and spiritually (Genesis 2:18-24). God purposed sex to show love, commitment, sacrifice and complete devotion between married partners. Sex was also made to be a physical representation of giving yourself, completely, to another in love (1 Corinthians 7:3-4). God created sex for pleasure and for creating new life. Scripture also makes clear God’s intentions for sex are for solely for marriage (1Corinthians 6:13 and 7:1-3; Colossians 3:5). We can use Biblical context, especially the original Hebrew and Greek text, and the scriptural understanding of purity to see that sex doesn’t just refer to sexual intercourse but any type of sexual touching and intimacy. 

What Does the Bible (Actually) Say About Marriage?

Paul is extremely clear in 1 Corinthians 7:32-35 that marriage is not for everyone: “I want you to be free from the concerns of this life. An unmarried man can spend his time doing the Lord’s work and thinking how to please him. But a married man has to think about his earthly responsibilities and how to please his wife. His interests are divided. In the same way, a woman who is no longer married or has never been married can be devoted to the Lord and holy in body and in spirit. But a married woman has to think about her earthly responsibilities and how to please her husband. I am saying this for your benefit, not to place restrictions on you. I want you to do whatever will help you serve the Lord best, with as few distractions as possible.” 

Creating a checklist that says you will be more successful, spiritual, holy or loved by God if you get married is legalism at its finest, and it’s a complete contradiction to scripture. The religious group that often criticized and attempted to trap Jesus and His followers with the law, who were known as the Pharisees, were committed to following traditions and man-made laws that added to the existing Jewish laws, rather than honoring the biblical laws that came from God, as their final authority. In many accounts of Jesus interacting with Pharisees in the Gospels, Jesus exposed their hypocritical beliefs that their works-based system made them holier or more loved by God. In Matthew 23, Jesus addresses a crowd and speaks about the Pharisees. In verse 27, Jesus says, “What sorrow awaits you teachers of religious law and you Pharisees. Hypocrites! For you are like whitewashed tombs—beautiful on the outside but filled on the inside with dead people’s bones and all sorts of impurity.”

We can see in very plain and easy-to-understand text in 1 Corinthians 7 that marriage is not beneficial to every believer. If your life’s goal is being like Jesus, serving Him and sharing the gospel, then it may be very beneficial to live in singleness, which may encourage you more to serve Christ rather than restrict or distract you. Paul tells us that marriage may not be good, beneficial or right for you. If it’s not, you are not any less holy, less successful or less empty. If you have Jesus, you have everything. Sex was not designed by God to fill the gaps in our hearts, heal us, make us whole or give us purpose; it simply cannot do that. If we rely on sex or relationships to be that for us, we will be disappointed, hurt and left empty. Our relationship with God is the most intimate and loving relationship we could ever have. People, spouses and relationships will fail us, especially if we put the responsibility of “being god” on their backs. God is the only one who will never fail us (1 Corinthians 6:16-17; Hebrews 13:5). He will always love us, with His infinite, unfathomable love, and He never leaves us (Romans 8:31-39). 

We lack nothing when we have Jesus. If we’ve accepted the free gift of salvation, we have eternal hope, a Savior who will carry our burdens, everlasting love and comfort from our Father (Psalm 23, 37:4, and 147:3; Matthew 11:28-30; John 16:33; 2 Corinthians 1:3). Being with Jesus and without a partner doesn’t make someone experience life any less. People get divorced and spouses die: it’s a part of life whether we like it or not. But their life doesn’t become less meaningful after that and their identity isn’t lost forever. Life looks different for someone who applies biblical instructions for sex and marriage to their life if they are married or single. But we’ve become accustomed to believe a worldly, cultural lie that sells us the idea that, without sex, our lives will be empty, loveless and lacking. The Bible says nothing even close to this. Constantly, in scripture, we see unmarried people serving God, loving others, having extremely meaningful relationships and sharing their most important relationship with God: that life is the life we see our Savior live! 

Sex is a form of intimacy and love, but it isn’t all what intimacy and love has to offer. Sex is a wonderful experience to have in a committed, healthy marriage where you and your spouse show one another love, but sex is not everything. It’s not a magical solution to fix your life, relationships or pains. Sex is a special gift from God that can be used in healthy ways to benefit a marriage, but your life’s happiness does not depend on sex. Whether you are single or married, if you look to sex to give you those comforts and experiences, you will never be fulfilled. No one can make you complete or whole, besides the God of the universe, who loves you so deeply that He sent his son to die for your transgressions, so you can spend eternity with Him (Isaiah 53:5).

You may be single, or in a romantic relationship, and still have meaningful, loving relationships with friends, family and people closest to you. You don’t share romantic intimacy with those loved ones, but you don’t lack closeness, community or the opportunity for people to know your true self. 1 John 2:16-17 states “For the world offers only a craving for physical pleasure, a craving for everything we see, and pride in our achievements and possessions. These are not from the Father but are from this world. And this world is fading away, along with everything that people crave. But anyone who does what pleases God will live forever.” 

Whether you’re married, single or unsure what the future will hold, we all suffer if we believe the shallow untruth that sex and marriage can make or break your identity, purpose or success . If you’ve accepted salvation from Jesus, your value is inherently in God, as a creation made in His image (Genesis 1:27). The fruit of the Spirit of God produces joy – true joy – in our lives (Galatians 5:22). Whatever God holds for our futures, if we have Him we have everything.

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