Great Friendships Start with Healthy Expectations
Written by Rachel Shin
One of my favorite on-screen friendships is the hilarious duo of Lorelai Gilmore and Sookie St. James on Gilmore Girls. Despite their zany antics, they shared a genuine sisterhood, making great friendship look effortless. Of course, we know that IRL the most worthwhile ‘ships take intentionality.
In my own friendships, I’ve learned how intentionality can take many forms. Setting healthy expectations in friendships is a way of intentionally loving others well. Below, I’ve shared some healthy expectations that create a framework for relationships to succeed, plus a simple tool for navigating those growing friendships! But first, here’s a little crash course on what expectations are, and how they benefit us:
An expectation is a belief based on experience or data. For example, I “expect” I’ll buy a PSL at least once this fall because I love all #pumpkinspice things. In relationships, a healthy expectation is based on a shared belief or standard between people. These expectations create a mutual understanding and build trust, the bedrock of any great relationship. Plus, they provide opportunities for us to mature by holding ourselves to the same standard we ask of others.
Fun
Friendships should be fun, y’all! Although friendship isn’t just about *vibing* with someone, having fun together is definitely a healthy expectation. Fun looks different for everyone, so remember to stay openminded while finding what you enjoy together. If a friendship feels stiff or heavy, here’s your reminder to have some good, old-fashioned fun—because that’s part of what good friends are for.
Fun in Action: Find an activity you both enjoy and make a date out of it! Bonus points if it’s something you’ve never done together.
Compassion
I once heard that to have compassion means “to be with” another, and I believe that’s true. Walking alongside our friends in solidarity is one of the most loving things we can do. Casual pal or BFF, a healthy expectation of compassion in friendship requires our willingness to be present with others, even during our own mess. This doesn’t mean caretaking or enabling self-pity, but it does mean being intentional and actively listening. A little compassion goes a long way.
Compassion in Action: Create time to give a pal your full attention. Bonus points if there’s awkward silence! Trust me, it’s a win.
Understanding
Disagreements will come and go, but it’s how we navigate them that matters. A healthy expectation of understanding isn’t limited to getting over a fight. Sometimes it means coming to a compromise, and sometimes it means coming to a crossroads. Last year alone, we navigated a global pandemic, a heated election, and a social justice reckoning. Basically everyone moved, got married, had a baby, or all of the above. However, if we respect each other enough to have a hard conversation, we can find understanding, and that’s worth fighting for.
Understanding in Action: Consider any friendships you’re ignoring and ask yourself why. Bonus points if it leads to an open conversation.
Honesty
If I have food in my teeth or if my life resembles a dumpster fire, I want to know. I said it before and I’ll say it again: Trust is the bedrock of any relationship. Without honesty, there’s no trust; and without trust, what’s the point? When I choose to bring someone from the acquaintance circle into the friend circle, it means they have access to speak into my life. That’s a powerful position, and one I don’t take lightly as a friend. Creating a healthy expectation of mutual honesty is fundamental in every relationship, but especially in friendships.
Honesty in Action: Set aside time to connect with a close, trusted friend and share a bud (a growth), a thorn (a challenge), or a bloom (a success). Bonus points if you both share all three!
Can Your Friendship Grow the Distance?
Want a quick status update for a friendship? Check for these two mutual qualities: intentionality and capacity.
I view intentionality as purposeful connection and capacity as space to invest my reserved time and resources. When a friendship displays these qualities along with healthy boundaries, there’s definitely room to grow! The key is that these must be shared or a friendship will become unbalanced. Of course, all relationships have an ebb and flow, even “ride or die” friends. Especially during life transitions, it’s hard to maintain consistency when we’re just trying to function! But that’s where fun, compassion, understanding, and honesty come in.
Occasionally, I’ve had friendships that showed less room to grow and eventually we scaled back to annual “Happy birthday!” texts. Rarely, I’ve had friendships end with a hard stop, and those hurt. But in hindsight, I’m thankful for them because they made me a better friend and taught me what to look for moving forward. Most often, those pals who really want to connect will express it, and that’s how you know a friendship can grow the distance.
Great things come with time, and it’s true for friendships, too! After all, Sookie and Lorelai started off as just coworkers. Their relationship just goes to show that with intentionality and openness, and some fun, anything can happen.
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