What to Do When Things Feel Off in a Friendship

Communicate about it. 

Once things start to feel off, reach out to that friend. Ask if anything has changed. Have there been any transitions? Is work insane? Did you do something that hurt their feelings and they needed space? Talk about the issues you are having and see if that friend can adjust accordingly. Ask for what you are looking for or want in the friendship.  

Set different expectations.

Perhaps at this time in their life, they do not have the bandwidth to support you in the way they have in the past. It’s a natural part of life to go in ebbs and flows of busy and restful times. A realistic way to deal with this is to ask them what they can offer. Change what you expect of them. Instead of feeling bummed for what the friendship was, embrace the future of it. If the expectations you have of someone are not what they agreed to, then it’s not fair to expect that from them. Rather, figure out what is a good rhythm for the friendship. 

Remember seasons.

I touched upon this point with expectation management, but everyone goes through seasons of life. Some may need more from you, while others may require less. Regardless, you should take into consideration what other things outside of your friendship may be affecting it. I just want to note here, again, that COVID has changed a lot of things for a lot of people. Honor that.

Give grace.

Even when expectations are changed and seasons are acknowledged, in any relationship, extending grace is so important. We are all humans. We have a finite amount of resources, time, and energy. We need to remember that as we are in relationship with others, there is going to be tension, hurt feelings, or unmet expectations. True friends can work through these issues to find solutions, and in the best case, become closer in the process.

Lean on other friends.

If one friendship is challenging, lean on life-giving ones. Having multiple supports is helpful. Reach out to other friends who know and love you. It’s also good to branch out and meet new people as our other friends take on new spaces—either professionally or personally. It can be wonderful to find people who are in the same city, profession, college, etc. You can turn this rut into an opportunity to cultivate more meaningful relationships, as well. 

Let it go. 

At the end of the day, though, if you are investing time and energy into a friendship that is no longer serving you, sometimes the best thing you can do is let it go and give space for new friendships to flourish. Honor what it was for that time frame, be grateful for the friendship you did have, and grieve the loss. Letting go of something good can be challenging, but by doing this, any negative feelings or confusion can slowly fade away. The hurt and resentment that might have built up can finally be released. You can forgive that friend and you can move on to friends who better serve you in this season. 

End on good terms. 

If you do decide that letting this friendship go is the right decision, please don’t ghost this person. As hard as it might be, sharing what happened, your reasoning, and how all of it made you feel will at the very least give this person clarity. Do your very best to be kind to this person as you communicate and highlight the ways you did see them be a good friend. When all is said and done, try to keep things amiable even as the friendship comes to a close.

Other resources: 

• Big Friendship: How We Keep Each Other Close by Aminatou Sow & Ann Friedman
• The Art of Showing Up: How You Can Be There for Yourself and Your People by Rachel Wilkerson Miller 
• Fighting for Friendships 
• Connection During the Coronavirus